Want to cut through small talk? Try asking a 'magical question'

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An animated, stop motion gif of paper cut-outs shows a high angle close-up of a dinner table with flowers, coffee cups, candle sticks, and hands, and then question marks and sparkles tumble down onto the table, representing magical questions that unlock meaningful connection and conversation

"A magical question is a question that everyone in your group is interested in answering" and hearing the responses to, says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of the 2020 book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters. Anjali Kamat for NPR hide caption

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Anjali Kamat for NPR

What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in your pocket? What topic could you give a 20-minute talk on with no preparation? What's a path you almost took but didn't?

If you find yourself immediately wanting to reply to these queries, there's a reason, says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator. They were designed to spark curiosity and elicit a response. She calls them "magical questions."

"A magical question is a question that everyone in your group is interested in answering" and hearing the answers to, says Parker, who hosts a video series on the topic on her Instagram page.

She likes asking them in group settings because they have the power to cut through small talk and reveal people's personalities. And people don't need to agree or have the same tastes or experiences to answer.

Parker, author of the 2020 book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, explains how to develop your own magical questions. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

An animated, handwritten gif reading "What was your first concert and who took you?" appears on a blue and white striped background with an animated, wiggly music note appearing out of spirals and sparkles in the top right corner of the frame.

Priya, what are some of the qualities of a magical question?

They help people feel like not just a blob, but a group of individuals. And they help you know something about somebody.

One of my favorite magical questions is: What was the first concert you went to, and who took you? I often ask this in team [meetings] or large town halls.

Immediately, you get answers like Toni Braxton, Michael Jackson, Bob Dylan, New Kids on the Block. So you might think: "They went to the same concert I went to, how bad can they be?"

They can also be a jumping off point for other types of conversations, you say.

[Let's say you ask]: What's a gift you got that you deeply loved? That is a question that leads to other deeper questions, for example: What's a good gift? What creates meaning? Is it specificity? Empathy? What does it mean to be a generous person?

How can we come up with our own magical questions?

Ask yourself: What questions might everyone be able to answer that come from the context of the group? That everyone is going to lean in and wait for the answer, but also be excited to share their own?

Recently, someone on my Instagram shared that she discovered a magical question while she was in art class. People were talking about how quitting work was contagious.

So she asked, "What's everyone's favorite quitting story?" Whether they were a musician, a consultant or a teacher, everyone had a story.

[The question worked] because it was related to the conversation at hand.

What's an example of a not-so-great magical question?

Years ago, when my son was seven years old, he asked [our family]: What is your favorite animal? Now, that may be a magical question for him, but not so interesting for the rest of us to either listen to or answer.

An animated, handwritten gif reading "When did you take the most delight and joy in giving a gift?" appears on a blue and white striped background with an animated, wiggly pink bow appearing on top of an animated spiral and sparkle in the top right corner of the frame.

"When did you take the most delight and joy in giving a gift? What was it, and who was it for?" Parker loves this magical question because it helps people think back to "a moment they're really proud of," she says.
Anjali Kamat for NPR hide caption

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Anjali Kamat for NPR

You have a prompt to help people practice coming up with magical questions.

Imagine you are speaking to a group of dentists. What is the opening question you'd ask them?

What was your favorite toothpaste flavor as a kid? Or maybe I'd ask if they expect me to answer their questions when they have their hands in my mouth!

I love it. Your first question is relatively equalizing. Every single dentist was once a child themselves.

Some other questions you might ask: What is a Halloween candy you love that you would never recommend to your patients? What's the worst thing that's been said to you while someone was in the dental chair? Who has your favorite smile and why? What's the going rate for the tooth fairy?

It sounds like what's required is attunement and presence. Speaking of which, what's the best way to bring up a magical question in conversation?

In some friend groups or group chats, you can be like, "Y'all, I heard about this amazing thing called 'magical questions.' Are you game?" Like, yes!

In other places, some people are deeply allergic to anything that feels like an icebreaker. As in all of life, read the room.

An animated, handwritten gif reading "What topic could you give a 20 minute talk about?" appears on a blue and white striped background with an animated, wiggly star morphing into a speech bubble alongside spirals and sparkles in the top left corner of the frame.

"What topic could you give a 20-minute talk about with no preparation whatsoever?" Parker says this question makes people just want to blurt out their answer. Anjali Kamat for NPR hide caption

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Anjali Kamat for NPR